Winters Breath

Age may be just a number yet it represents the years in which life has given you opportunities to grow and mature but the number can also symbolize the time that has been wasted on things so meaningful and incoherent. The battle of my mind rages over my sense of self-worth and not being able to call myself "wife."
I saw my breathe come out my mouth as I rushed back into the house. I dodged heavy water as I slammed the door behind me. The goosebumps slowly faded entering the small room and approaching the fireplace. It's never been this cold in months and this sudden transcendent of rushing rain was unexpected but yet welcomed. There is serenity in this rain fall, typically since the rain reminds me of being cleansed and each rain fall brings a new a clear thought from what God wants me to know.
Lying back down, my mind started to relax and come back together. I whispered a prayer and asked God to mend the wounds my mind slashed open. It's that love of God that has that power to tie up and heal the pain once inflicted upon me by man, one in particular who still haunts my mind and I have to pray fiercely to keep those thoughts in check. I remind myself of the abyss he is lost in now and the conquering warrior I have become from all those years of dark abuse.

The wood cracked again from the fire burning its ridges and I saw the tiny sparks hit the barrier as well as one tiny speck hitting my flesh. The fire dried the rain on my body but it did not dry out the sound of those drops coming down to cover the soundless room I laid in.
At that moment I felt how nice it would be to have that someone embrace my fragile body with a warm touch and gentle kiss upon my neck. I have told my Heavenly Father in many quiet moments that now is my time to be with him, now is that time to end the cycle of one and prepare the chapter for two. Can I really tell Him what to do? Be can I really go on thinking I am being watched over but no one in the flesh to turn to?
My selfish thoughts need to come to an end and stop biting the hand that feeds me, or hurting the one who gave me life. But I just long for Him to understand how much his daughter longs for my soul to join in matrimony. Give me a chance Father to show you that my love and devotion for another is absolute and eternal.
Give me that chance to love, for I still feel I have not fully lived.